Dating is broken: Why straight women and men can't talk to each other
The reason is multi-faceted. But there is a solution.
Image Credit: Unsplash/Priscilla Du Preez
I’m not straight, but as a bi woman, I am also attracted to men. Over the last few years, I’ve had many enlightening conversations with people of all genders and sexual orientations about the deepening rift between straight women and men, and how that affects dating. And (social) media is brimming with articles and anecdotes, such as this story by New York Magazine, which constantly shows up on my feed. Dating is a universal topic, but people’s recent struggles, partially driven by the rise and fall of dating apps, are zeitgeist-y AF right now.
Straight dating is broken. And it’s not just the apps, or the ghosting, or the algorithms. It’s the fact that so many women and men don’t trust each other anymore, and don't know how to talk about it.
I’ll explain the situation with an example.
The other day, I saw an Instagram Thread written by a German man in his late thirties who was later dubbed an incel by most women in the comment section. The post basically said that he had planned an elaborate first date for a woman who lives in a small town 30 miles from him. He asked her to take a train to his town so he could drive her another 50 miles to a restaurant in a third town. However, just an hour before the woman was supposed to catch her train, she canceled. He was dumbfounded and angry, and asked the community what had happened.
The women in the comments ripped him to pieces. Hundreds of comments all said the same thing, something to the effect of: “Why would you expect a solo woman to take a train after dark by herself, only to be picked up by a stranger to be taken to yet another new place, not knowing how she’ll get home? What if the date doesn’t go well, and she’ll have to find her own way home in the middle of the night? If you’re already driving, why can’t you just go see her in her hometown and then drive home later that night?!”
It escalated quickly.
The original poster got angry (honestly, anyone would have if they had been attacked like this). “Women these days expect the sun and the moon and the stars, and free dinner without sex. I’m so over it. Why can’t she take a train?! I can’t and won’t do everything!”
“You’re an incel!”
“And you’re a needy bitch who is an even worse human than the woman who canceled on me!”
“THIS is why I have stopped dating. You suck!”
“And this is why I will never go above and beyond for a woman anymore!”
What went wrong here? Many things.
Social media is a bad place to be asking questions like that man did. People’s anger finds its way into the comment section quickly, and people don’t hold back.
That woman probably canceled the date after telling her family or friends about it, who questioned what she would do if the date went badly. For women, the number one thing has always been safety. We could be planning a date with Channing Tatum, wanting to sleep with him, and we would still question if we’ll be ok. And it’s not about any particular person, it’s about the statistics. Every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. The numbers don’t lie, and we are a bit scared.
Men are tired of certain women who only go on dates for a free dinner or drinks. Women are tired of certain men who look at favors as transactions, thinking they’ll get sex out of them.
Some women do only go on dates for free stuff; they see it almost as payback for everything that’s been done to them previously. They are often unable to look at every new connection as what it is — a new person who has done nothing wrong and who isn’t at fault for whatever happened to that woman before.
Many men and women are hypocrites. For one, there is a bias towards objectively attractive people, and everybody’s guilty of it; it’s human nature. Best example: I mentioned Channing Tatum above as if he couldn’t be a predator just because he’s hot. The term incel (involuntary celibate), loosely defined as an asshole guy who isn’t having sex because of his behavior, has become commonplace to describe any man who doesn’t do exactly what women want — even if they don’t tell him what that is.
Communication is fucked. It’s always been hard for opposite sexes to talk to each other — but now it feels nearly impossible. And without it, we’re doomed.
So what do we do? No idea. This is a societal problem that transcends generations, continents, and cultures. But there are a couple of easy solutions.
Talk with respect and empathy. Communicate your needs and see how the other party reacts.
If you are exhausted by the dating hamster wheel, feel free to take a break. I didn’t have sex and didn’t go on dates for over a year, and it was liberating. Maybe you’ll also feel better and more energized after hitting the pause button.
Keep following your values, but be open to the unique experiences and views of every individual you meet.
If you are a woman reading this: Men are humans, too. Yes, it’s true! Even though they are ruled by testosterone, they can still be hurt, ashamed, or feel unloved.
If you’re a man reading this: You don’t have to walk on eggshells around us, even if we’re survivors of sexual assault. It’s our job to go to therapy and work through the trauma (it took me about two years after the last incident, and I still have flashbacks); and as long as you approach us with care and love, we’ll love you back — hard.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk! Now go and find your love match — it’s out there.